found a paperclip. Now what?
many values of a mere paperclip. First, bend the paperclip into a "V" shape.
Place it between your thumb and forefinger. Point it toward your eye. Now
press down on both ends, then release. Did you put your eye out? Good.
Goddamn idiot. Go clean yourself up, and don't come back.
anyone left with two good eyes to read this, let's continue. (Please
don't get all offended if you just had one eye to start with even before
we weeded out the unnecessary chafe. I can't keep track of your peepers.
Obviously you couldn't either, or you have both of them, now wouldn't you?)
these uses involve simple manipulations of the clip. I won't give step
by step as we have culled those people out.
your teeth. Yessir, nothing is as classy as picking your teeth with a paperclip.
From a distance, it looks like a fancy metal pick you would expect only
movie stars to possess.
your ears. That rounded end is a perfect scoop. I've seen it done.
your lotto tickets. Get that sucker burning across all them lucky numbers,
If life is just too hard, rake that bad boy across your wrists.
But, hey, remember, rockinghorse loves you, lumpling, that should make
life worth living if nothing else does.
your enemies. The clips are blunt, it won't hurt 'em unless you purposely
gouge 'em with the sharp end. I suggest bending it until you have one loop
left, and a nice straight end for a handle. So poke 'em. They deserve
you bent it that way, go get your string. Use your paperclip for a hook,
tie it to the string and go fishing. These skills will save your life when
the apocalypse comes and Wal Mart is closed and you have nowhere to get
defence. In a pinch, you can use your hook you've fashioned for
self defence. Simply make a Kung Fu "Hee-yah" yell and grab your assailant's
nostril with your hook and pull. He is at your mercy. Now knee him in the
crotch, just to show him who's boss. If you still have your string (and
I would hope you do), tie him up.
locks like the crooks on TV do. Apparently it involves cramming
on straight end in a keyhole and wiggling it. Aside from this observation,
I have no further help for you. You shouldn't be picking locks anyway,
you damn crook.
your hook clip you've already assembled and enter a locker room.
locate a victim in their underpants. Nekkid victims however amusing they
may be, are not to be bothered with as there's nothing legal you can nab.
Now, hook your poor unsuspecting dupe by the leg hem and pull upwards with
all your might. Now flee, even if you have to leave your paperclip. I'll
buy you another.
your paperclips into tiny handcuffs in case you happen upon a criminal
leprechaun. You may need to use jewelry pliers to bend the wire. Go find
some. If you can't find some, assume the leprechaun took them. The wee
into your sibling's room. Scratch all their records, CDs and DVDs with
your trusty paperclip. Now free a gerbil in the room. It will take the
blame, but is too cute to be punished, unlike you.
your clip. After so many adventures, it deserves a nice moniker, unless
of course you left the poor thing back in the locker room.
tiny bugs and animals. Lie down on your belly. Wait for some rodent or
insect to happen by. Take your hook ended paperclip and trip him, catching
his ambulating little legs with the bend. Leave before PETA arrives.
realize you've actually snapped the limb of the rodent you just tripped,
and haven't yet fled into the night, straighten your clip, use it to splint
his tiny leg and then flee. It will go easier on you if it looks
like you had
a big pile of paperclips. Now bend and twist them together at random, until
your object is waist high. Take it to a museum, stand in front of it, place
your hands behind your back and nod. Others will join you, thinking it
to be a great work of art, or just not wanting to be left out.
someone look looks like they may have money. Sell your masterpiece. Buy
them all over your ears and face. If you're brave (and a male) clip them
to your winky. Scare bikers.
tons of paperclips together in a chain, go out in bad weather with your
Chihuahua and offer to to have your dog pull stranded vehicles out of ditches.
Swear the chain is tensile steel and the dog is truly a mastiff.
the police come to the scene and arrest you for possible public intox,
be helpful. Strap yourself (and your Chihuahua) to their bumper with your
chain, so they can give you a free ride downtown.
take away your chain, and possibly your dog. In case you need it to protect
yourself or pick the lock, stick one clip somewhere they'll never look.
I leave this to your personal judgement.
lots of marks on the wall, to make it look like you've been a prisoner
puppet show using your clip as various characters to entertain your cell
mates. Make them think you aren't worth violating. Mention the various
medications you take for your "little problem", just in case.
the police release you, realizing you are sober, and uninsured (making
sending you to hospital a moot point) skip rope out the door with your
paperclip chain, singing, "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen" in a deep
base. Don't forget your dog.
all your paperclips on the floor. Arrange them to form a narrow corridor.
Insist this is the new road and everyone must pay a toll to use it. This
is not much fun if you live alone. Assume your dog will not pay, regardless
of your badgering.
paperclips. Go to work, steal your co-workers' paperclips. Blame your boss.
Steal paperclips from the unemployment office once you get fired.
"Wolverine". Loop each clip around a fingertip and straighten out the other
end. Scare people with your claws.
it as a surgical tool to fix your dog. Don't get pissed at me if he runs
out your pliers. Make tiny little people out of paperclips. The rounded
ends make them movable and more lifelike. Now maybe you won't be lonely
since everyone moved out, you lost your job and your dog left you.