Spork!
The last object you'll ever need. You have string. You have paperclips. The only other item you will ever need for complete happiness and survivability come a nuclear war is a utility spork. Let no man, woman or child separate you from your invaluable tools of life. Keep them close to you at all times. Like in your underpants. No one would look there. Love them, nurture, them, marry them if you live in Vermont or Hawaii. Now listen, and learn, pupil. This is the last lesson of life. Unless of course, I come up with more later. You will be tested. Eyes open, lumplings. With your spork, you have ghudly abilities. Use them wisely.
Tie string to your spork, dangle it in front of you. Instant divining rod. It's spinning will lead you to water, food or Commies. Your choice. Remember, if it takes you to my house, I *am* a Commie, and I have food and water to share. All hippies are Commies. Ask your grandpa. He'll tell you.
Put people's eyes out. Yes, you never know when you will be attacked by crazed madmen. Walk with your spork at ready. Just scoop them out like ice cream. Eat them if you choose. Better to grok them.
Remember how rockinghorse taught you to fish? Your spork will assist you in gutting, scaling and even roasting your fish. Amazing!
Beat a drum with it.
Beat your neighbour with it. He is a nasty sort.
Make a primitive bow and shoot sporks at your enemies. Do it from the roof for effect.
Tape sporks together to make yourself fashionable clothing. Wear them without anything underpants, for a lovely refreshing breeze.
Insulate your home with them. Staple them to every inch of the walls. This takes time, but is worth your effort. And the acoustics are so much nicer.
Tie a spork to each of your fingers. Now you can dig latrines, escape tunnels, wells, bunkers, and a subterranean home, renaming yourself Moleperson (be PC, dammit).
Make loving puppets with them. Paint faces on the scoop portion, colour the stubby prongs like hair, steal blankets from homeless people and use them to make clothing for your puppets. Why, with the cute little spikes, you could make a Vegeta puppet and let it verbally abuse you! If any of my DB readers are left out there, of course....
Sculpt beautiful Spam statues.
Eat with it, to heck with convention!
Take one with you to a concert. Usurp the conductor and lead the band with your spork.
Use your spork to fend off security when they come to haul you offstage.
Back scratchers. Tie a spork to a stick. Now use it. Ah.... itches...
Go to a large, flat field. Lay out sporks in rows, so the aliens will know where to land.
Pick your nose. Only if you have a really big nose.
Tape sporks together to form crosses. Sell them to the devout. If you can find any.
Start a new Olympic sport, spork tossing. Implement it at the next Games, whether they like it or not.
Spread butter with it. On the steps of Congress. Now go inside, yell "Free Money", stand back and watch the fun.
Poke booties.  Sporks are great bootie pokers. More than a goose, less than a gouge. Just mix into a crowd, and poke. Do not attempt on elevators, as someone may hit the stop button and search everyone. You would be caught and maimed.
Lobotomies. Say someone disagrees with with you. They are obviously ill, and should be treated. I suggest a lobotomy, a transorbital one. Just scoop out a portion of their brain via their eye socket. They will be much easier to deal with now.
Peel paint. If you get bored, peel the paint off your walls with it. Don't eat it, it could be lead, and lead eating makes your winky fall off. Unless you're a girl, in which case you could grow a winky.
Stack your sporks. This will give you hours of fun.
Cram your arm in your sleeve. Hold tightly to your spork, allowing it to poke out. Claim you cannot afford a prosthetic hand. Use it to push buttons at elevators for strangers.
Lend it to tiny crippled rats for a crutch.
Trip them with your spare spork as they hobble by.
If you feel bad about it, use your spork to scoop them back to their feet.
Use in a tourniquet. It may break, practice first. On your winky. I just like to say winky. I think it's funny. Almost as funny as bottom.
Pry bar for Hot Wheels.
Hot-wire your neighbour's car. He won't mind. Down deep he's a decent man. Maybe you can use your spork to fish it out of him.
Remove any belly button lint you may have accumulated.
Comb your hair. But only in public. Act nervous about it. They'll wonder.
Scoop ants out of their hill. Dump them in a soda can. Give this to your neighbour. Don't mention the extras.
Rent a hotel room. Wait until 2 am, then tap out codes on the wall. Wait until you hear your neighbours stirring. Stop. Continue after they've settled down. Keep this up until police arrive. Feign mental illness for the law.
Fend off vampires. You must have two sporks for this, or be willing to break the one you have.
Clean under your nails. Now flick it at Cocomuffin.
Offer economy fat reduction surgeries in your backyard.
Yank the guts out of the turkey to help grandma. Make sure it is dead first.
Hollow out logs. Live in them. Get government cheques.
Swear upon the spork. Swear you will never darken my door again. Now leave me.

Spork Sites
Church of the Holy Spork
What type of kitchen appliance are you?

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Don't know what grokking is? Shame on you. Read Robert Heinlein 's Stranger in a Strange Land. NOW!